This week Apple unveiled three new iPhones and two new watches, which means its time for the tech conspiracy theorists to go off about their current phones glitching . Just like clockwork, each new product release comes with complaints and, of course, lots and lots of memes.本周苹果公司公布了三款苹果手机新机型，还有两款苹果手表新机型。这意味著，那些持有人阴谋论的技术宅们吐槽他们现有的手机的时候又到了。一环扣一环，每届苹果新品发布会都会引起众多拨给的吐槽，当然，还有许许多多的戏仿段子。

1.The only upgrade I care about我唯一关心的升级Apples accessories can last only a year. my chargers and headphones are shedding its skin as soon as it hits a year. Then i thought, APPLEs way of making money every year.苹果的手机配件都只有一年的使用寿命。时间一到，我的电池线和耳机都开始脱皮了，然后我就不会想要，这不就是苹果公司每年的生财之道吗？2.FaceTime with up to 32 people at once.反对多人即时视频聊天，最多人数32人。

Sorry but I don’t know 3 people who would want to talk to me at once.说什么，我了解的人中，想同时跟我聊天的人不多达3个。Imagine hearing Can you see me? I cant see you! 32 times at once! Al right, I can see the necessity of speaking with 20-30 people at once, but I really dont see a reason to use the phone at that time. Such a teleconference usually involves stationary computers, where it makes a lot of sense, much like any teleconference software.想象一下，同时听见32个人说道“你能看见我吗？我看到你啊！”好吧，我否认我有时不会必须同时跟20-30个人聊天，但我敢说任何理由、在这种情况下用手机作为聊天工具。这样的多人远程会议一般来说不会中用台式电脑，或者其他远程会议软件，这样合情合理的多。

3.With your current account balance, which apple product can you buy?以你目前的财产收支情况，你负担得起苹果的什么产品？Apple juice.苹果汁Yeah with the price of the most expensive one I can easily get a new set of summer and winter tyres that I actually need. So its new tyres, apple juice and sticking with my perfectly functioning IPhone 8.是的，以售价最低的新机型的价格，我可以卖给一套夏季轮胎和冬季轮胎，这才是我确实必须的。所以我获得的是新的轮胎，苹果汁，然后之后用于我的苹果8手机，性能极致哟。4.New Apple Watch can detect if you’ve fallen down and will call emergency services if you are immobile for one minute.新款苹果手表能检测到你否跌倒，如果你一分钟之内维持静止不动，它就不会为你调用救护车。

Drinking with an Apple Watch on just got interesting.带着苹果手表去买醉，变为了很有意思的事情哟。If you trip on a banana skin, brush your knee, and an ambulance comes, will you be ready to pay for the huge insane bill??如果你不小心碰到香蕉皮滑了一跤，弹片了膝盖，你的苹果手表就为你请来了救护车，你不愿缴纳高额的救护医疗费吗？5.Yes, for many people its all about the brand到底，对很多人来说，他们只在乎那个商标。6.Me: Please make durable charging cables.我：请求生产些轻巧的电池线。

Apple: Here take a phone similar to the last one.苹果公司：请求拿回这个跟原有机型差不多的新款手机！Me: But cable我:可是我想电池线。Apple: Okay take a new watch too苹果公司：好吧，请求再行拿回这个新的手表。Me: What about the cable though我：可是电池线怎么办……Meanwhile, the cables get old after a month.不仅如此，电池线用一个月就老化了。

7.Don’t buy the new iPhone. Impree your friends and save money by simply writing “Sent from my IPhone XS Max” at the end of each email.需要卖新款的苹果手机，你只必须在每封电子邮件下面写出上“来自我的新苹果XS Max”就讫，这样既能省钱，还能在朋友面前夸耀一下。How does owning an iphone impress people, i wonder...享有一只苹果手机就能在朋友面前夸耀吗？我回应猜测……8.Apple Watch series 4 detects fall, detects low heart rate, can do ECG.苹果手表4能监测配戴者否出现异常跌倒或者跳动出现异常，还能做到心电图So they were right“an Apple a day keeps doctor away.”所以说道那句话是对的，“一天一个苹果，医生不出去找我。

”Thats actually very cool - and something like this would be VERY helpful for older people who live alone.这个功能显然挺棒的——对于群居的老人来说，这个功能不会十分简单。9.No, just more expensive to buy and more difficult for the children in China to build.不，只是卖价更加喜，中国的工人做到一起也更加无以了。10.Method of payment for the new XS and XS Max出售新款 XS 和XS Max的缴纳方式It literally sound like excess and excess max. I think theyre just mocking their customers now.听得一起很像 excess（过分便宜的） and excess max（过分便宜且仅次于的）。

我猜中苹果公司早已开始取笑他们的买家了。11.The new Apple Watch will detect low heart rate and make ECGS.新款苹果手表可以检测跳动出现异常，可以做到心电图。

The next iPhone will also perform the surgery required to sell your kidney to pay for it.下一款新型手机说不定不会有操作者外科手术的功能，你卖给手机后，它能老大你切除肾脏拿去变卖，以缴纳新手机所需的费用。Never fails to make me laugh看一次大笑一次。12.Now that the new iPhone is out…I can now finally afford a second hand iPhone 4现在苹果发售新机型了……我再一可以卖给一只二手苹果4手机了。

As a fellow South African, I feel this on a spiritual level.作为一个南非土豪，我不能在精神层面上解读你……13.Once upon a time很久很久以前。Does Less. Costs More. Its That Stupid. -Apple功能更加较少，价格更高。

就是这么屌。——苹果14.My iPhone immediately after the Apple Event.苹果新品发布会之后，我的苹果手机忽然就这样了。OMG YES! They do it on purpose!就是这样，他们认同是蓄意的！15.This is how I see the new iPhone.这是我眼中的苹果新机型。

True千真万确！16.Do you remember the time?你还忘记这个时候吗？To be fair that was the on contract price Which I would gladly go back to doing.公允的说道，这是协议价，不过，我还是十分乐意重回这个时候。17.Difference between iPhone X and iPhone XS Max苹果X与苹果XS Max两者之间的区别barely anything完全没区别18.Apple doesn’t always launch new products苹果公司会常常公布新品。But when they do, they don’t.万一他们公布了新品，他们公布的也不是新品。

Sigh. I miss him.哎，我想要他了。19.This is how I see the new iPhone.我眼中的苹果新机型。

accurate就是这样！20.The iPhone XXX be like苹果XXX不会会是这样的iPhone XXXL增大号苹果21.How I feel eveytime I watch an Apple Event.每次我看苹果的新品发布会，我的感觉都是这样的。Don’t be fooled. She’s just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid , cheap hat.别骗了，她就是一个普通的Malibu Stacy娃娃，再加一顶又傻气又低廉的草帽！But she’s got a new hat.可是她有新的草帽呀！I want it. I want it. I want it.我想！我想！我想！Barbie doll makers = phone makers. same same , diff year is all.苹果制造商和玩偶制造商一样。

年年岁岁机相近，仅此而已。

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